Three updates in forty-eight hours?...

Something must definitely be going on, then.

And it is.

I'm being hit by it. This overwhelming fear of loneliness. Hmm, maybe not a fear... perhaps a realization that during this time, I am alone. Apart from perhaps God, by my side. I try to believe that... obviously I'm not believing hard enough, 'coz it's not helping.

It's clouded my heart. It's turning me to the dark side -- I begin to think thoughts I shouldn't, and turn elsewhere: I keep looking around for the light. I'm aware of it... but I don't know what I can do against it. If I do anything against it... to heal the hurt, to disperse the cloud... that'll be it. I CAN'T. I'm... not allowed to heal it. And I'm trying to continue on...

I feel so fake. What do my feelings mean? They don't feel like they mean anything. It's almost like I don't really know what love is anymore. Or hate, for that matter. They're just empty feelings I attach to things, to people, driven by nothing but fear. Love almost means nothing to me anymore: just a source of comfort. And sometimes I feel like that comfort isn't there: that it's almost false in itself. Why does this ray of light exist? Is it real? It's so... powerful.

Just because it's warm doesn't mean to say it's love though.